greg in maintenance @G_r39
Pretty sure I saw this on my twitter profile Abandoned Shopping Mall Joined May 2009-
Tweets6K
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Followers218
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Following419
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Likes6K
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen Them *gives me a hug* Me: and there it is
How do women not die of rage aneurysms every day?
sure therapy is great, but have you ever screamed “fuuuuuuuck” really really really loud and then treated yourself to a little snack after.
The cruelest prank on mankind was making bumblebees look so huggable and fluffy but with a poison butt sword.
You wake up to find a large wooden wheel near your bedroom window, like on the helm of an old sailing ship. You gently spin it and the world starts to lean. Your home drifts slowly through your yard and down the street. People dive out of the way like frightened fish meeting God.
I like to make people at work feel like i need a chaperone
I never feel more powerful than when I'm holding a menu
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium Me: 0mg
Friend: How was your job interview? Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I love having a nap on the couch in the evening before moving to bed to sleep. It's like a sleep appetiser, a nappetiser.
If I had the power to turn people into wombats, I would abuse that power until it's just me and 8 billion wombats and then I would cry because there's no one left to turn me into a wombat but also, look at the 8 billion cute lil wombat butts
⋅ Are you worried about being alone? :⋅ I've put a lot of effort into not getting caught up in my relationships. I'm confident in my solitude, though I'm happy to offer outreach to maintain my part in the social contract.
My knee just popped so loud the cat jumped awake and fell off the bed
I’m not sure what “meeowow” means in cat language but I’m pretty sure my cat just called me an idiot
young people simply don't appreciate the luxury of having plenty of energy but choosing to be lazy anyway
Damaged people will view a healthy person's self esteem as narcissism.
[watching people from a distance] there’s no way this nonsense evolved naturally
It's hard to go back to bed once you've made it. Hard, but not impossible.
{me watching a fight at a hockey game} i think they’re just pissed off bc the floor is so slippery.
When God closes a door, he also locks that door. Tight. No one open that door.
Raylene Killoren @RayleKillo
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eLeni @eleniZarro
17K Followers 2K Following Be funny, be kind, but ffs stop saying literally. My best hits: https://t.co/aXLLBNuMx3 🐎 💜
Cleta Beutler @beutl_clet
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Deborah 🔞 @Deborah_R18
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Violet Stratton @VioStratt
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Jeannetta Haris @HarisJeann64702
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Vaila Brincefield @vaila_vai
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fightgeek @fightgeek
11K Followers 9K Following i wander around outside and hangout with dogs mostly
Adam @YSylon
8K Followers 2K Following Humor | Music | Misc | latest: https://t.co/BmbpshxRP9 | More & better ⬇️
Crow Magnom @distracted_monk
11K Followers 4K Following Writing books and making music until the moon goes down.
![I was a snowball in hell. [he/him] I'm now a problem you can throw money at: https://t.co/wV6uDObiYO](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/742195299523792897/zHMQ_4-f.jpg)
Bacon, Lettuce & Pota.. @DominicCaruso1
3K Followers 3K Following I was a snowball in hell. [he/him] I'm now a problem you can throw money at: https://t.co/wV6uDObiYO
Night Vale podcast @NightValeRadio
329K Followers 351 Following WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE: community radio for a small desert town. Turn on your radio and hide. New episodes every 1st & 15th, plus live show tours & a novel.
Katie Mack @AstroKatie
411K Followers 4K Following Cosmologist, pilot, author, connoisseur of cosmic catastrophes. @TEDFellow, CIFAR Azrieli Global Scholar. Cis. She/her. Dr. https://t.co/x5ErK7B0CB
Lindsay @Rollinintheseat
16K Followers 4K Following Hi, I'm Lindsay. I use a wheelchair to get around most of the time. Most of my tweets are about life from the sitting down perspective.
Deeny (they/them) @councilofDeen
2K Followers 696 Following ⚜ J'emmerde la loi 96 ⚜| hot and autistic |SwEr and artist | OF https://t.co/LQc51nxJ0O
Melvin of York @MelvinofYork
18K Followers 4K Following sometimes I convince myself that the world is merely an elaborate video game and the player controlling me is a total noob
McDad @mcdadstuff
9K Followers 2K Following I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️
Emma Beasley🐝 @JustBeingEmma
14K Followers 9K Following My eggs are expired, I ran out of bread, my husband got fired. I wish I was dead. https://t.co/IVfhz3nNnT https://t.co/eY8BG3lLqc
Brandy Bryant🏳️�.. @InkMasterbator
23K Followers 957 Following Trans comedian or chick with a shtick. Filmmaker. Tattoo artist. Check out my standup! https://t.co/nHZLhOSbvc
Wilde Thingy @wildethingy
31K Followers 2K Following I have nothing to declare except my top tweets - https://t.co/YApmhRImR4
erin chack @ErinChack
22K Followers 651 Following my hair is long now. writing: @newyorkerhumor, @mcsweeneys, @monsterchildren and more. always looking for new bylines.
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪ.. @sofarrsogud
23K Followers 6K Following 🖊️ Some of my tweets are crafted like a sculpture from a block of wood. Others are pumped out like farts.
𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃.. @im_all_id
6K Followers 1K Following middling jokes & existential dread // been seen in a meme 𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗲𝘁𝘀: https://t.co/ljqs50wF9Z
jon drake @DrakeGatsby
112K Followers 2K Following they must have amnesia, they forgot that im him. 1/2 of @blastzonepod. senior brand strategist for @trymetafy
DonutHawk @StruggleDisplay
18K Followers 1K Following My bio doesn’t exist just like my interest in anything Mark Wahlberg.
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NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*
I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz
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Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbol
Cats of Yore @CatsOfYore
117K Followers 37 Following Hi! I'm Molly and I'm interested in feline history and welfare. Owner of 2 amazing FIV+ cats! Header by W. Eugene Smith. Profile pic is a postcard from 1908.
jo @whatsJo
48K Followers 962 Following b-side. I eat popsicles for breakfast. Trial ft error. 🤖rights. crusha bit, lil bit✨
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mitch hedberg @mitchhedbot
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Jack Boot @IamJackBoot
13K Followers 1K Following The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, The Atlantic, Harper's, Rolling Stone. I've read some of these magazines.
Swim Jeans 👖 @ShortSleeveSuit
21K Followers 753 Following Pilot. Mancub. Liar. 🍸🤘avi by @fro_vo / header by @marfsalvador https://t.co/6bJSdwHf8w
🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪ�.. @3sunzzz
31K Followers 10K Following ➡️https://t.co/bcvmJrVcLf Seen in Huffpost,Buzzfeed,Cheezburger,Reader's Digest and more🖋https://t.co/Wv8UFXHX67
Toby @tobestewart
2K Followers 529 Following If my tweets look familiar it's because of the alphabet https://t.co/2EQmSWJ9Q4 https://t.co/WMj4oQzMFD
@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfKMe: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen Them *gives me a hug* Me: and there it is
How do women not die of rage aneurysms every day?
sure therapy is great, but have you ever screamed “fuuuuuuuck” really really really loud and then treated yourself to a little snack after.
The cruelest prank on mankind was making bumblebees look so huggable and fluffy but with a poison butt sword.
You wake up to find a large wooden wheel near your bedroom window, like on the helm of an old sailing ship. You gently spin it and the world starts to lean. Your home drifts slowly through your yard and down the street. People dive out of the way like frightened fish meeting God.
I like to make people at work feel like i need a chaperone
I never feel more powerful than when I'm holding a menu
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium Me: 0mg
Friend: How was your job interview? Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Play and Record, the simultaneous double secretaries of Euterpe, Greek muse for the worthy of being taped. We human office a pair of fate spun fingers always in balance with pressure so play does not get hit first revealing the drunken Apollo bootleg we're taping over, so be it.
I love having a nap on the couch in the evening before moving to bed to sleep. It's like a sleep appetiser, a nappetiser.
If I had the power to turn people into wombats, I would abuse that power until it's just me and 8 billion wombats and then I would cry because there's no one left to turn me into a wombat but also, look at the 8 billion cute lil wombat butts
My knee just popped so loud the cat jumped awake and fell off the bed
I’m not sure what “meeowow” means in cat language but I’m pretty sure my cat just called me an idiot
young people simply don't appreciate the luxury of having plenty of energy but choosing to be lazy anyway
Damaged people will view a healthy person's self esteem as narcissism.
[watching people from a distance] there’s no way this nonsense evolved naturally
{me watching a fight at a hockey game} i think they’re just pissed off bc the floor is so slippery.
When God closes a door, he also locks that door. Tight. No one open that door.
My laptop: *cannot find printer* Me: *gesturing* look it's right there
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