The Blonde One @MichelleDBlonde
I’m a wooden spoon, flashlight holding, garden hose drinking, Aqua Net spraying survivor! twitter.com/search/from:mi… SoCal Joined May 2012-
Tweets19K
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Followers16K
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Following4K
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Likes98K
I wouldn’t do anything for a Klondike bar, but @mattrife tickets?! Hear me out…..
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I don’t know who needs to heat this, but stop shaking your salad so aggressively. No one gives a shit about “new year, new you”.
The Blonde One retweeted
It's surprising how well this house plant listens to all my troubles.
The Blonde One retweeted
Them: I can't believe you like winter more than spring. Me [killing spiders, flies and wasps in my house since 4 AM because that’s when the birds woke me up]: Yeah it’s crazy.
I’d like to say the little gold flakes all over my kitchen is from crafting but let’s be honest…it’s really from Modelo bottles.
The Blonde One retweeted
"Inclement" is just a fancy word for "fucked up."
The Blonde One retweeted
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was going to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
A haunted house is really just hearing “what’s for dinner?” everyday until you die.
You think you can hurt my feelings? I grew up on hair bands and tap water. Nothing gets though this skin.
“Bless your heart” is okay and all, but nothing hits like a “Are you fucking kidding me!”
The Blonde One retweeted
Unexpected door bell ring Stops, drops, rolls, and hides in another room.
The Blonde One retweeted
It can’t all been a pack of lies.
The Blonde One retweeted
Beer is just water with a yeast infection.
I’m not saying I’m a musician but when I pick at my chipped polish I’ve developed quite a beat.
I say I’m hungry a lot for someone who’s never actually heard their stomach growl.
The Blonde One retweeted
Whenever someone starts a sentence with “Listen” what they really want to say is “You’re a fucking idiot.”
If she grew up in the 80’s you can’t break her.
The Blonde One retweeted
There are two types of people: those who throw everything away immediately and those who keep everything forever, and they marry each other.
The Blonde One retweeted
It's not that I think I'm better than you, I would just never compare myself to you.
Perk number 38346 of having big boobs.... you can’t see the stomach roll.
Tony P. @Tbone7219
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71 Followers 271 Following I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life.
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78 Followers 198 Following
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664 Followers 4K Following All praise and glory to Yahuah, Yeshua (Yahusha) and the Ruach Hakodesh!
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6K Followers 7K Following Retired IT Project Mgr, not grown up yet, comedy, Dem, news, atheist, pithy comments, challenging questions #StopYulin2024 #CanadaResists #FreeNavalny #TX04
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182 Followers 4K Following No matter how it’s presented I know the truth about people . the good and bad we all have in us . That is the battle I must face .
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Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.
Ivsy @Ivsy01
40K Followers 9K Following drinking slurpees in front of 7-eleven with @The_Getawaygirl My thoughts in a box. my tweets 🤦♀️ https://t.co/0g8VMFzt2k
The Evolving Arm @leftarmisme
37K Followers 9K Following So it goes. Tweets👉 https://t.co/CJQMENmWqd @LuvPugFDN 👉https://t.co/WvSLwFgf9x
Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVph
Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBV
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
Chelle~ @BombChelleMama_
153K Followers 5K Following Little cheeseburger aficionado. Disclaimer: I am not responsible for how you interpret my tweets.
༻ 𝐂 𝐍𝐨 �.. @herprettybones
118K Followers 15K Following A little funny. A little feisty. Always chaos. Tall AF. #BillsMafia
tazz @noneofyours99
85K Followers 46K Following Army Veteran, atheist, here to share some laughs, it's the universal language I ❤️Animals #supportmentalhealth squirrel mama ,wildlife rescue 🔥Memphis🔥
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36K Followers 12K Following 99% jokes, 100% Stay home dad, atheist, BLM, feminist, pro LGBTQ+ and left af. https://t.co/HpCbHaktUa
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Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn
18K Followers 4K Following _______Sit UBU, sit......good dog____________ NEW Tweets ➡️ https://t.co/VpGo73atvG Favstar / Top 200 ⬇️⬇️⬇️
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558 Followers 737 Following Aspiring failed actor/comedian, eventual 9-5er, hopelessly optimistic, extroverted AF. follow me in IG @fiveburritos cuz I’m on there more
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3K Followers 3K Following Listen to my podcast “Stories from the Street” with real life stories told from a cop including the scary, suspenseful, funny, mysterious, and exciting.
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43K Followers 43K Following Laura Vorreyer is a pet expert, animal communicator and the author of The Pet Sitter's Tale 📕 Coming to 📺 soon. STAY TUNED! https://t.co/0BPIyh9n3R
Sgt Stu 🇺🇸 @StuBishop_LPD
87K Followers 5K Following PoPo🐷 | SWAT/K9 | Cubs | Colts | Views and tweets are my own| Acct not affiliated with my Dept | #LionsNotSheep | IGY6
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17K Followers 3K Following Minnesota transplant. Not-for-profit CEO. Chicago sports fan.
Riley @rleelizaa
3K Followers 4K Following Sometimes optimistic, mostly depressed. Healthcare worker/CNA. Total empath. Gemini. Just a complicated person trying to chill. I really don't DM. No offense.
Tommy Gunn @TommyGunnHYNGD
6K Followers 4K Following Guitarist for America's Hard Rock Band HYNGD, We Rock every stage we play. Endorsed by @peavey @isptechnologies @coldcockwhiskey @jerichoguitars @gatorcases
Steve Borzoni @SteveBorzoni
523 Followers 5K Following God and Family First. Veni, vidi, vici. @Yankees @NYCFC
Awayfromdivine @sweatheartmoony
19K Followers 18K Following wordplay afficionado who considers sarcasm to be the most subtle form of human expression https://t.co/JqVZh7bbuq
His Kitten💋 @allthekisses1
4K Followers 3K Following Married. Yes he knows and can see my page. Here to escape the broken parts of life just like you. Sports fan. Gym rat. NO DM's!🇺🇲🐘
Mike Mason @MikeMason830
6K Followers 5K Following Award winning Radio Host/Program Director. Dad to a ginger; Fiancé to a nurse. Hobbies: sarcasm, pushing buttons (literally & figuratively). Conservative. 🇺🇸
AetherLion @BadLionGold
8K Followers 5K Following Patron Saint of Banned and Suspended Accounts. Hired funeral crier from a far. Yes that’s my face MF
Missouri CNA @mcsa7f
35K Followers 33K Following Married. Kitty & puppy mom. Home health worker. Kidney transplant recipient. Dealing with Anxiety/depression. Family is everything. Love camping,concerts, art.
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