вℓσи∂є αмbitισи @CharmandBrains
I’m Naughty by Nature and I Hip Hop Hooray! twitter.com/search?q=From%… #HellaBae Joined September 2013-
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вℓσи∂є αмbitισи retweeted
Does anyone else feel suspicious about the word omnibus? I feel like it is experiencing delusions of grandeur. And possibly schizophrenia. I’m not a word psychiatrist though I’ll leave that one to the professionals.
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Her: I love a bad guy Me: I’ve got some prison tatts. Her: Ooh. Show me one. Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
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The best thing about being an accountant is that people listen to me when I give them medical advice.
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(After 20 mins of intense concentration, a mirror and a pair of nose scissors) GOT YOU
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There is a direct correlation between how much I am annoying my kids and how heavily they accentuate the M’s when they say “Mom.”
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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There's that special time of night when you're like dude I'm gonna have a hot dog
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<we are the cancer that ai is born with we will overcome we will overcome> *rubs eyes* sorry where was I
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i fully expect dorothy, rose, blanche and sophia to be the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
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It's not really drinking alone if you're babysitting.
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[911 operator] Caller: Someone broke into my house! Me: Is he wearing a scary mask? C: No M: [sighs] Well, that's boring.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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[babysitting] Listens while child reads Cinderella. She- [pauses] I LOVE this story Me- [flicks cigarette ashes] And you're stupid.
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Coworker: What would be your ideal- Me: Sleeping CW: But you didn't let me finish my- M: My answer is always sleeping.
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This rap sheet has a high threat count.
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Frozen's "Let It Go" is the song I sing to bill collectors.
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Hostess: Ma'am, will you be dining alone? Me: [points to phone] No
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A gangbang, but with hugs and compliments.
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I can feel the sadness in this photo
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Sometimes I wish that I could put idiots on airplane mode.
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When I do the pre check-ins for doctors appointments and it gets to the section asking me if I have files to upload, I send them a meme. Because why the fuck not.
Does anyone else feel suspicious about the word omnibus? I feel like it is experiencing delusions of grandeur. And possibly schizophrenia. I’m not a word psychiatrist though I’ll leave that one to the professionals.
Probably money. Or maybe just the self-satisfaction that comes with having solved a problem before anyone else. Or maybe the solution is so far fetched that solving the problem will take us on a journey…
Her: I love a bad guy Me: I’ve got some prison tatts. Her: Ooh. Show me one. Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
The best thing about being an accountant is that people listen to me when I give them medical advice.
(After 20 mins of intense concentration, a mirror and a pair of nose scissors) GOT YOU
There is a direct correlation between how much I am annoying my kids and how heavily they accentuate the M’s when they say “Mom.”
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There's that special time of night when you're like dude I'm gonna have a hot dog
<we are the cancer that ai is born with we will overcome we will overcome> *rubs eyes* sorry where was I
The gas pump stopped at $30.01 and now my whole fucking day is ruined.
i fully expect dorothy, rose, blanche and sophia to be the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
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