Jaxon/Jaxoff @fillthevacuum
From Days of Yore: https://t.co/MDBJbN0i6k twitter.com/search?q=from:… Joined July 2013-
Tweets182K
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Followers14K
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Following10K
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Likes223K
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
If my story were written by Disney, it would have been titled "The Princess and the Pie."
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Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
This is just like that story in the bible, when Moses came down from the mountain carrying those two honey hams.
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn't so bad.
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
No one seems concerned about the rising costs of satanism, or the difficulties of having to buy ingredients for rituals at the Bulk Barn.
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
Some people might say that I have wasted my life, but perhaps they don't know that I have spent 25 years trimming a Bonsai tree into the shape of a penis.
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
When I braided my hair I felt like Anne of Green Gables. Then I realized my sleeves weren't very puffy & everything is pointless.
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
It took him years to pull the last petal from the daisy.
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
3:36 AM, in bed. Brain: Is Cap'n Crunch really just a costumed cartoon of the Quaker Oats man?
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
Family, giving reasons to drink since the beginning of mankind.
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
*Seduces you with a Wendy’s meal*
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
[falling down a cliff] Parkouuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrr
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
Faking a smile is hard, but not as hard as being asked if you are okay when you are not.
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
I hear the ice cream truck coming and now so am I.
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
My tweets aren't as perky as they used to be...
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
I'm 50 and I still giggled when I saw the link to my online class was titled: ENTER COURSE
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
Hooper: (rolling up a sleeve) "Moray Eel. Bit right through a wet suit." Quint: (presents arm) "Wire burn. Trying to stop a backstay from taking my head off." Me: (points to burn scar) "Thanksgiving. Putting marshmallows on the sweet potatoes while still in the oven."
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
Warning -There's a high pollution advisory for you weirdos who want to go outside.
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
Hey, want me to encompass your entire body in a wrestling hold for hours? ~ what cuddling sounds like to non-cuddlers
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
Make the first move to forgive. Then spend every day perfecting that move.
Jaxon/Jaxoff retweeted
What I need you to do is find that very delicate balance between paying attention to me and leaving me alone. -women
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@fillthevacuum I need the help of Epimenides with this one. Unfortunately he is dead. If only Schrodinger could have put him in a box.
@fillthevacuum Happy birthday, my banana toting bud🎇😃❤️
@fillthevacuum @HardlyUnDead Haha! I really lick this one!
Your Blue Öyster Cult tribute band name is your favorite color, your most sensual mollusk, and the religious organization you fear most. Mine is Teal Göoey Neck Youth Group.
GUYS WE DID IT x.com/netflixde/stat…
Can’t find my keys. I’m afraid you’ll have to take a cab to Funkytown.
@fillthevacuum @AimeeHelene1 Liquor? I don’t even know her. Ill b here all week. Try the veal.
I don't wash the dishes fast enough to only have one pizza cutter.
@fillthevacuum @Pork_Chop_Hair Totally on the purveyor....
It's ALWAYS fun to sing the wrong words. "Evil Woman" by ELO is Medieval Woman. "You're So Vein" by Carly Simon, is Cows in your coffee. "Reach Out I'll Be There" by the Four Tops is I'll be damned. So many misheard lyrics that I sing wrong on purpose now. x.com/fillthevacuum/…
3:36 AM, in bed. Brain: Is Cap'n Crunch really just a costumed cartoon of the Quaker Oats man?
Family, giving reasons to drink since the beginning of mankind.
Faking a smile is hard, but not as hard as being asked if you are okay when you are not.
I hear the ice cream truck coming and now so am I.
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