Sam Skoronski @SamSkoronski
Cartoonist published in @NewStatesman. Aspiring sellout. Recent tweets: https://t.co/PTDZ9rbooA samskoronski.com Right place, wrong time Joined July 2015-
Tweets15K
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Followers1K
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Following189
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Likes38K
Some of Shakespeare's plays contain anachronisms, like when Cassius hears a clock strike three, or when King Lear uses a blender.
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My word-of-the-day calendar adds all sorts of fascinating new terms to my vocabulary: "Monday," "Tuesday," "Wednesday," . . .
Sam Skoronski retweeted
Did the aquarium staff warn me? Yes. Did they warn me enough? My lawyer isn’t sure.
Sam Skoronski retweeted
We called our bowling team The Pinheads, as we are all quite stupid. Later we realized it made a sort of pun.
Sam Skoronski retweeted
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It's good practice for when I'm performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter.
MARK HAMILL: I'm here for the Star Wars tryouts. YODA: Do or do not . . .
ME: I can't eat this steak! It's pink inside! WAITER: So? ME: So, I could get cooties.
Sam Skoronski retweeted
Lemme save you some time. If I ever go missing, you don't have to look at any of the hiking trails.
Sam Skoronski retweeted
“You’re made of stardust.” Haha yea, and cheeseburgers.
Sam Skoronski retweeted
How old must your notifications be to be considered antique?
The name "Whopper Jr." makes no sense. It's the Little Bighorn of hamburgers.
Sam Skoronski retweeted
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Make birdwatching sound less boring by calling the guide book a bestiary.
I've made millions after utilizing artificial intelligence (my fake diploma).
Sam Skoronski retweeted
My allergist keeps testing me trying to get a reaction
Sam Skoronski retweeted
I'm not wearing sunglasses and I can spot about 50.
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below
nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following She may not look like much but she can catch a man, said someone trying to insult me. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonz
Daveastated @Daveastated
7K Followers 1K Following Now I am become Dave, the destroyer of words. *Inventor of the flinglong* I only sleep to give my phone a break
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Matty @bestestname
13K Followers 6K Following Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.
cap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname
11K Followers 2K Following slowly backing away. TOP TWEETS: https://t.co/K8oKqyuL84 click below for recent. I’m the same guy at the other places.
President Warren G. H.. @PopeAwesomeXIII
13K Followers 2K Following Commercially Inviable. ✌️ 29th US President (1921-1923) 🧐 Tip jar! https://t.co/Igf16XkzWv ❤ He/Him 👍 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏴☠️ ❤️ See pinned for migration info
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My incessant ramblins in the link below ⬇️
Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsnd
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.
Bob Golen @BobGolen
33K Followers 23K Following Hey, give me a try. Mainly old jokes (spruced up a bit) and sentimental musings. Big believer in kindness. Leaning left, but not very woke (Boomer, ya know).
Pru @prufrockluvsong
20K Followers 2K Following humorisht | situation misunderstander | word maker upper | bit prolonger
Helleanor Rigby @Mom_Overboard
56K Followers 3K Following 🥪 take these broken wings and learn to fly 🏔
ADHDean @ADHDeanASL
23K Followers 5K Following BLACK LIVES MATTER. Husband, dad, friend. Ally. ASL Interpreter. Doofus. Midvale School for the Gifted alum. Mastodon: [email protected]
Daddy Go Fish @daddygofish
8K Followers 3K Following Warning: alcohol leads to kids leads to lots more alcohol.
DMitchell @ofofodobolo
105 Followers 2K Following ''Um bom futuro é o que jamais me esperou, mas vou até o fim.''
Cynthia Rice @CynthiaRice22
3K Followers 5K Following [email protected] Suspense/Thriller writer from the midwest, member of Mystery Writers of America, ITW and Sisters in Crime, debut author. Physician
L @Ann_Hedonia1
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Emily @ViolaYule54877
421 Followers 986 Following
Doc Johnny Fever🎙 @NikiMarinis
6K Followers 2K Following Weird Girl🔮Co-host of @LyricalCrimes podcast 🎤 Writer of dating & relationship comedy gold 💋📝 “You’re a Gen-X wet dream” - @MickeyBlowtorch
Funny Snarky Humor @FUNNYsnarkyJOKE
9K Followers 2K Following I like 2 make light of things 2 brighten up a dark world. #funny #humor #satire #snarky #memes #humour #hilarious
Drew (some assembly r.. @dmc1138
7K Followers 2K Following if it wasn't for this nonsense, I'd have no sense at all.
Otis Driftwood @GoodnessOtis
101 Followers 145 Following a clown running across a minefield she/her/ mate/comrade
Brook Jones @BrookJo14267952
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Noelle @missonelle
687 Followers 2K Following Idk I’m just doing my best ✨ Honestly just here for the dog pics
Rose Appletree @roseappletreee
451 Followers 5K Following I retweet things that interest me and things that make me smile.
Shweta @Shwetangles
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julia Oelbaum @JuliaOelbaum
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Samuel Dunsiger (He/H.. @samdunsiger
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Gods regift to women @Giggles092284
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100 Followers 114 Following I’m Betty. Not actually my real name. ALT Account I’m an advice machine. I post legit giveaways & philanthropists. Unprofessional advice from a vampire
Crude Rudy 💙 🇺�.. @CrudeRudy
1K Followers 701 Following Asshat. Army veteran. Cancer survivor. Married to @C0REENNA. Header by @Marlebean. I'm a parody of myself.
colbymarshall @colbymarshall
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Shauna Crook @ShaunaCrook13
323 Followers 761 Following ...Child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars...
Marc Conover @marcconover
61 Followers 192 Following
Kelly @kelly_barta22
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Shawn Linn @ShawnLinn7
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Shawn Linn @ShawnLinn5
287 Followers 5K Following
Rigby @sleighj81
1K Followers 5K Following I am odd, random, just myself. I normally follow back unless it’s spam. I am mentally screwed up. 🟦 🏳️🌈🇺🇦🇺🇸♓️ Instagram; @bruisedbroken5butnotdead
#1 corn dog enjoyer @OliveOilArms
440 Followers 655 Following RT’s 4 daze. Dayton Oh wanderer. DM’s only open for corn dog recipes. Corn Dog Eating Hall Of Fame.
steppencat @neuronfeed
839 Followers 259 Following Married. Amateur runner and keeper of cats. Scrabble enthusiast. Robert Monroe fan.
buc 🆓️ @BucMarvin
4K Followers 3K Following Inter-Galactic Purveyor of Nonsense. Not everyone's cup of noodles. Cancer survivor!! Favorite color: underboob
delirious tremendous @morromezzo
182 Followers 1K Following Well the future looks good, but I aint gonna let it. Come on, give some credit. After all, I'm...
celtictock @marantsa80
4 Followers 17 Following
Paul Crouch @Crouchie79
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🔸Sol🔸 @xfleshandbonesx
9K Followers 838 Following I enjoy long romantic walks around my yard with my iPhone. All photos are mine. IG: https://t.co/114ugahgO2
Shirley @shirley41worste
446 Followers 3K Following
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below
Daveastated @Daveastated
7K Followers 1K Following Now I am become Dave, the destroyer of words. *Inventor of the flinglong* I only sleep to give my phone a break
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My incessant ramblins in the link below ⬇️
Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsnd
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.
Bob Golen @BobGolen
33K Followers 23K Following Hey, give me a try. Mainly old jokes (spruced up a bit) and sentimental musings. Big believer in kindness. Leaning left, but not very woke (Boomer, ya know).
Pru @prufrockluvsong
20K Followers 2K Following humorisht | situation misunderstander | word maker upper | bit prolonger
Helleanor Rigby @Mom_Overboard
56K Followers 3K Following 🥪 take these broken wings and learn to fly 🏔
KattsDogma @KattsDogma
10K Followers 795 Following avi by Picasso. header by Benjamin Moore. https://t.co/E819hK5ngm OR ➡️ https://t.co/0eeKwH89F4
Indy @IndecisiveJones
19K Followers 890 Following husband, father, animation aficionado, man trapped in the body of a penguin, pfp by @obscureaaron
Drew (some assembly r.. @dmc1138
7K Followers 2K Following if it wasn't for this nonsense, I'd have no sense at all.
Grumpy Cat @shopkins776
11K Followers 3K Following Rich, famous, hilarious, tall, handsome, pathological liar https://t.co/KveXCoV44a
Natasha Something @IfIwassomething
9K Followers 4K Following not in the last place you'd expect https://t.co/3fXb59eAtL
minkitypinkity ❤️ @minkpinkustink
16K Followers 4K Following sentient blob. tweets: https://t.co/BIlLbOnL03 art: https://t.co/IrujrHrmVS https://t.co/uo7nguoLkT
timoth‽ @neat_hot
596 Followers 695 Following The best dang self-deprecating humor you’ve ever seen.
MikeUnderscoreDadJoke.. @correspundit
2K Followers 1K Following Snark. Puns. Bad jokes. Dad jokes. Attempts to be funny found in @mcsweeneys @pointsincase @frazzledhumor All views my own @[email protected]
luke warm tweets @lukejarret
3K Followers 807 Following Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life if the thing you love is night shifts. ////////// link to my top tweets👇
Joe Pontillo @JoePontillo
3K Followers 749 Following Comedian/influencer. Bio in the bio! Two comedy specials. YouTube show. Becoming more powerful by the second.
Ryan Manns @ryan_the_manns
652 Followers 1K Following Roadmap 2022 winner, PAGE awards winner, boardgame designer. Buy Rotten Tomatoes: The Game here: https://t.co/pPFeaMVwtO Still at large. https://t.co/XFu9FIcuNs
Service Loop @serviceloop1
391 Followers 327 Following The Only Account Fully Dedicated to Neatness, Accessibility, Freedom of Movement and Future Serviceability.
david @_elvishpresley_
33K Followers 852 Following writer @PencilmationYT | cartoonist @NewStatesman
Jane, actually @MaidOfBeans
5K Followers 2K Following This is a tale of narwhals and icebergs and avoiding the latter whenever you can. https://t.co/ikknrewM3P
Daniel Edison @DanEdisonComedy
13K Followers 8K Following One-liner comedian / writer of nonsense. I post original jokes. Jack of all trades, master of pun. Also on Instagram.
Stap the Mattness @Stap_Jr
5K Followers 2K Following GOOD. GREAT. GRAND. WONDERFUL. EVERYBODY ON THE BUS https://t.co/glzMoTuoeZ
alyssaland @dancingchimera
3K Followers 1K Following I'm not inclined to resign to maturity. Here is my draft folder: https://t.co/jv2NvDEYQ0)
Christopher Ashman @CAshmanActor
12K Followers 775 Following Actor | Writer | BUY MY FANTASY NOVEL FOR LIKE $3 - link below
jo @whatsJo
48K Followers 974 Following b-side. I eat popsicles for breakfast. Trial ft error. 🤖rights. crusha bit, lil bit✨
F. Scott Fitz Jesse (.. @FScottFitzJesse
8K Followers 6K Following I'm just here to make fun of myself.
Phil @geowizzacist
10K Followers 7K Following Words. he/him. Ally. SC&IG2. Stories+art+more: https://t.co/TfXDQCIUyn
greg @GrowlyGrego
27K Followers 856 Following
Anna Grace @graceupongracie
8K Followers 2K Following Lols of Affirmation are my love language | See all my tweets at https://t.co/0Stnyho3Lf
ThisOneSays @ThisOneSayz
18K Followers 5K Following Winging this life. Check back for no helpful tips whatsoever. https://t.co/8mX27QK6yN
Sir Michael @Michael1979
247K Followers 1K Following Maker of @SturdyPodcast and How to (Almost) Make Friends on the Internet. Persecuted for wearing jean shorts to my grandad's funeral https://t.co/C0gsnmxKIS
Blayr 🌻 @BlayrAustin
9K Followers 6K Following ‘Writer’ | Teacher @TheSecondCity | Not a serious person 🥸 | Distinguished Tweeter 🐦 | My classes: Writing Sadness Through Humor, Funny Essay ✏️
Rich Cromwell @rcromwell4
6K Followers 2K Following Senior contributor @FDRLST. More words at @TheSpectator. Perambulator. https://t.co/jH4wUomeNyOh the happy hours we spent in the nursery, Nanny and I, distilling tar.
First time chimney buyers, don't fall for dealer scams like soot-proofing and Santa insurance.
In the Marines they called me “Machine Gun” because I was quickly discharged.
Sorry I'm late I was thinking about how many good kinds of sauces there are. I also want to warn you that I'm not going to be paying close attention because I'm only about halfway done thinking about all the good sauces and I can't stop until I finish the list.
Are arugula’s 15 minutes up yet? It might be time to turn over a new leaf.
anyone remember getting lost in a store as a kid and thinking "well this is it i'm on my own now"?
either i need to make more money or beef jerky needs to cost less of it
In the theater again 25 years later, and Gary discovers the true phantom menace is the price of popcorn.
Asking stupid questions doesn’t make you stupid. It just points out to others that you are stupid.
finally started watching The Office just so I can understand all of your gifs
just finished The Office now what do I do with my life
finally started watching The Office just so I can understand all of your gifs
If I had a dollar for every time I bit into a taco in my car and spilled food on myself, I would just buy more tacos.
It's standard practice to preface your reference question with about 10-20 minutes of your own biographical details and personal opinions. Not everyone knows about this custom, but this guy on the phone right now, he gets it.
This is the chicken equivalent of being buried next to your wife
No one: My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
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