southpaw ☘ @_SetTheHook_
Recent: https://t.co/FEJntKzAz2 Judger of books by their cover. Minnesota, USA Joined July 2012-
Tweets102K
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Followers11K
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Following597
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Likes149K
southpaw ☘ retweeted
If the Earth really was flat, imagine how many people would have jumped off by now.
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southpaw ☘ retweeted
My electric toothbrush is like a little vibrator for my teeth.
southpaw ☘ retweeted
Normalize saying ‘good game’ after sex.
southpaw ☘ retweeted
Women are like pasta, they get way more flexible when they get wet...
southpaw ☘ retweeted
Apparently heavy petting is not allowed at the zoo or most decent restaurants...
southpaw ☘ retweeted
Roaming the city streets until I find your bedroom window...
southpaw ☘ retweeted
Feigning optimism is exhausting.
southpaw ☘ retweeted
At some point, Inspirational Tweeters become sarcastic, and this is what it sounds like when doves cry.
southpaw ☘ retweeted
Being added to a Group DM, is the equivalent of being lured into the woods by a creepy clown.
southpaw ☘ retweeted
In the South, wearing a condom to a family reunion is called Planned Parenthood.
southpaw ☘ retweeted
Never trust a man who doesn’t smack your ass.
southpaw ☘ retweeted
Reaching out to someone first gets exhausting.
southpaw ☘ retweeted
It’s the weekend. Try fucking off.
southpaw ☘ retweeted
Nothing says “go fuck yourself” like a $5 Amazon gift card.
southpaw ☘ retweeted
I hate when a coworker says to me "sounds like you have a case of the Mondays" and I end up with 5 years of probation.
southpaw ☘ retweeted
My 85 year old mom just asked me to look something up on my "internet machine".
southpaw ☘ retweeted
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
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