Dirty Shirley @CleverGirl85
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good Best Coast Joined November 2010-
Tweets24K
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Followers12K
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Following3K
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Likes62K
[tracy chapman voice] you gotta fat ass
Putting one kid to bed: Bedtime is at 7 PM, no later. Putting two kids to bed: You can stay up and read for 20 minutes. Putting three kids to bed: You can watch Cocaine Bear with me as long as you’re quiet.
What I was warned about as a kid: *Strangers in vans *Gum taking seven years to digest *Quicksand What I wasn't warned about as a kid: *Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot *Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks *Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I am once again thinking about how if Taylor Swift moves to Missouri for Travis Kelce it will literally be the plot of Gone Girl. You can't take an insane blonde who loves cryptic scavenger hunts out of the NY metro area! There will be a body count!
When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted... turns out that's 9 pm.
sick of people saying “the sun sets” or “the sun rises” the sun doesn’t do shit. we move. the sun just sits there like the lazy fiery piece of shit that it is.
If you put a new trash bag in the can *before* you take the trash to the dumpster, the chore is entirely done when you get back inside. Little tricks like this keep you from killing yourself in your 30's.
Group assignments are important because that's where you learn that everybody else is an idiot and if you want a good grade, you have to do everything yourself. That was the lesson, right?
My 4-year-old said she’s scared to become a grown up because she “doesn’t know how to do the gas station.” She has no idea how real she’s being right now
Working as a janitor and I stop as I see the incomplete lyrics to Blank Space on a chalkboard.
Working as a janitor and I stop as I see the incomplete lyrics to Blank Space on a chalkboard.
spotify wrapped should get more chaotic. tell us which songs we skipped the most. which ones we turned the volume all the way up for. be like “remember that day u listened to famous by mason ramsey 152 times? we do. it was july 5th!”
if your comms director looks like this all your meetings are structured, your 1-1s are actually about you and your career progression, and you aren’t receiving emails after hours I can tell you that for free
if your comms director looks like this all your meetings are structured, your 1-1s are actually about you and your career progression, and you aren’t receiving emails after hours I can tell you that for free
A haunted house, but it’s just a bunch of high schoolers using words and phrases I need to look up on Urban Dictionary
real
No presents please. Your presence is the real gift. But seriously, don't buy my kid another plastic piece of crap. We are up to our eyeballs in plastic crap. We are drowning in a sea of old presents. Save us. Buy nothing. I beg you.
I like my women like my ancient staircases, spiraling & can send me straight to hell.
are women ever going to admit that thongs are the most sensory nightmare piece of clothing that has ever existed or are they still going to look at me in my eyeballs and say “i actually find them more comfortable.”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999. I want to buy a house like it’s 1999.
Learning how to write a respectfully devastating email is one of the most important skills you can learn in your career.
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.
༻ 𝐂 𝐍𝐨 �.. @herprettybones
118K Followers 15K Following A little funny. A little feisty. Always chaos. Tall AF. #BillsMafia #billsbyabillion
Tipsy Angel Smoo🤍�.. @blonde_opinion
124K Followers 6K Following a kind person who occasionally likes pineapple on her pizza
Tony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K Following
Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat
61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmo
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwgu
Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVph
Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBV
Marcmywords @Marcmywords2
55K Followers 50K Following Tweeting Live From The Capital Of The Who Dat Nation. https://t.co/92vEozoAvo
Grant Tanaka: Honky @GrantTanaka
37K Followers 5K Following Anatomically correct. For the most part.
Anna Nonymous @osoplain
21K Followers 9K Following Actions behind the words mean everything @E_lok44 is the leader of my goof troop.
⭐ Lisa, Duchess of .. @MsLisaM
30K Followers 4K Following movies. music. cats. pistachios. laughter.
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
𝓜53♕ ☠︎ 🌸 @contradiction70
105K Followers 16K Following Whenever I pick up a power tool, I press the trigger twice.
Pugnado 🐾🌪 @LuvPug
75K Followers 16K Following writer of dumb tweets, founder of the @LuvPugFDN for homeless & disabled animals 🐾 🐾🐾Instagram: -luvpugpetcare -harrywaddlebottom -luvpugfoundation
Lovely Potatoes @robin_991
21K Followers 8K Following As seen on KTLA. I ran the NY marathon. Drowning in bubbles. Napping on treadmills
Brian Clayton Bigsby @Bruthman
802 Followers 4K Following
Arafat Jalal @arafat_jal60762
1 Followers 51 Following
Tinyfeen @tinyfeen64646
210 Followers 3K Following
Goutam Bera💀$ELS @GoutamBera25416
14 Followers 309 Following
jennifer @aPage_inThe
905 Followers 3K Following I follow the white rabbit and hold conversation with the birds. Always open to and ready to recieve messages from this grand universe. Open your eyes people.
Dallas Stars Forever @AddMusicMamma
2K Followers 5K Following Porcupines have dance parties & you can always be my +1. she/her. @DallasStars @49ers, Music & Family Junkie. Random,weird & love to laugh. blm, love wins
Shawn Carpenter @ShawnCa81695101
551 Followers 4K Following
Mango Chow @mangochow1
1K Followers 2K Following Dark humor, political commentary, and dank memes galore -- yes, I am a dank-meme addict and I don't plan on recovering. MAGA #TrumpWon *Sips RUM-flavored memes*
I ❤️ Lady Butth�.. @LadyButthole
668 Followers 572 Following Ladies, bend over and spread 'em wide... @AshliOrion is my Anal Goddess.
toxic NANCy @toxicnancyy
1K Followers 3K Following gamer, streamer, psychologist + your local therapist, independent, thrift goddess, poshmark queen, podcast addiction, cat ladys dogs, tattoos, painting, 🩵
Jay Are (Parody) @JayAre242372500
2K Followers 5K Following
David Lightman @hesleepstill12p
104 Followers 163 Following Trafficker of trouble, maker of mayhem, director of disturbances and producer of predicaments.
Pretty Little Heathen @Cali_Sass_
15K Followers 8K Following Day Dreaming | Probably lost in a book or my thoughts or just lost | Your Everyday Friendly Demon | Not Important | Don't be dumb | https://t.co/9Yd4RKZJbh
YaMan Blowtorch @YaManBlowtorch
166 Followers 952 Following I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. I can handle my own, I prefer yo momma do it tho. MIZ-ZOU
Nick Woodard @woodardnick43
193 Followers 168 Following I'm single and I'm 29 and I'm a hard worker and I love having fun
TheBonnevillebaddie @BonnevilleMilf
2K Followers 5K Following tall blonde mom, shy but i have a super naughty side. come see what it's about https://t.co/JBMlP6CFH5 https://t.co/vGofWEWvki
morecodesthanMI5 @morethanMI5
24K Followers 19K Following
Adamo Bamba @adamo39851
176 Followers 363 Following
Zachary Uptown @UptownZachary
241 Followers 4K Following
Vapid Cunt @Vapid_Cunt
777 Followers 638 Following For in my mouth there's a Hurricane. https://t.co/nIveQKHz91
𝐵𝓇𝑜𝒻𝑒�.. @1_swarthy_dude
9K Followers 4K Following Capable of reposting what ever I want • You should try it • https://t.co/pjcbUa9OWu
Maria @Mariabaltiramos
475 Followers 2K Following
david mcclaren @dmack12561
582 Followers 2K Following
LFC5Times @LFC5times2015
876 Followers 3K Following
MM Surplus and More @MMSurplusMore
1K Followers 6K Following Wholesale/Liquidation Sales, Surplus/Damaged Stock, Garage/Yard Sales, Flea Markets, Auctions, Storage Units, Move Outs. -- REDS -- BENGALS -- UC -- Fan --
Raul Badillo @badillor292
0 Followers 28 Following
David Argumaniz @argumaniz_david
791 Followers 5K Following
Big Stump Daddy @BigStumpDaddy2
123 Followers 229 Following Lover of donuts, Marvel & animals. Extreme Dad Bod-er. Ladies, shoot your shot. #Vols #VFL #MCU
pepelepu @pepelep60205645
112 Followers 126 Following
Travis John @TravisJMoney
61 Followers 148 Following Freedom loving, gun toting fishing nut. My pronouns are F off. 🏴☠️
Big Bad & Lil Red @Wolf_Roberts1
59 Followers 777 Following husband and wife in search of our perfect Unicorn Only fans coming soon!!!
The Anxious Cat 𓃠 @iPhonePhobic
2K Followers 5K Following A terrible supercat who graduated from "Foot in Mouth" University with high marks.. Let me have a smoke and come back to you on this.
Dyland Williams @DylandW41998464
250 Followers 2K Following {Artist} {Holy} {Basket Ball LEGEND} {Pod Caster} {6"0"} {"175"} {Bench Press 285} {XXX} {Cult Leader} {Veteran} {Police Officer} {Sprinter} {Boxer}
Jeff Johnson @midnightriderca
360 Followers 1K Following USAF Veteran U.S. Army Retired employed at the Department of veteran affairs. proud to say I am a independent , married. 61yrs pronoun, Sir, or Mr.
Steve_Reddy2020 @Reddy2020Steve
43 Followers 600 Following 45 bi curious slim a romantic non racial or gender preference while open to creative ideas with satisfying results and respectful joyful attitude about life
Don @notdeadyet711
195 Followers 663 Following There's nothing special about me. I am just an old man. just grumpy and wishing I was young again
Jayfred13 @JustinF9013
136 Followers 274 Following Love to smoke and have fun. I'm kind of a sexaholic. I love trading pics it's fun. And I like meeting new friends. Hit me up..
LSU Fan Up North @br93765960
701 Followers 4K Following All praise and glory to Yahuah, Yeshua (Yahusha) and the Ruach Hakodesh!
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.
༻ 𝐂 𝐍𝐨 �.. @herprettybones
118K Followers 15K Following A little funny. A little feisty. Always chaos. Tall AF. #BillsMafia #billsbyabillion
Tony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K Following
Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat
61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmo
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwgu
Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVph
Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBV
Marcmywords @Marcmywords2
55K Followers 50K Following Tweeting Live From The Capital Of The Who Dat Nation. https://t.co/92vEozoAvo
Grant Tanaka: Honky @GrantTanaka
37K Followers 5K Following Anatomically correct. For the most part.
Anna Nonymous @osoplain
21K Followers 9K Following Actions behind the words mean everything @E_lok44 is the leader of my goof troop.
⭐ Lisa, Duchess of .. @MsLisaM
30K Followers 4K Following movies. music. cats. pistachios. laughter.
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2
Pugnado 🐾🌪 @LuvPug
75K Followers 16K Following writer of dumb tweets, founder of the @LuvPugFDN for homeless & disabled animals 🐾 🐾🐾Instagram: -luvpugpetcare -harrywaddlebottom -luvpugfoundation
Lovely Potatoes @robin_991
21K Followers 8K Following As seen on KTLA. I ran the NY marathon. Drowning in bubbles. Napping on treadmills
Taylor Nation @taylornation13
3.1M Followers 876 Following Straight from THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT. #TSTTPD out now! 🤍
OCFA PIO @OCFireAuthority
99K Followers 752 Following The Official Twitter Page of the Orange County Fire Authority. This is a non-emergency communications tool. Follows are not considered endorsements.
Does Noodle Have Bone.. @NoodlesBonesDay
251K Followers 220 Following here to update you on whether or not noodle has bones today. @jongraz does not run this account just a fan account. views are my own
Who Let You Watch Tha.. @wholetyoupod
58 Followers 79 Following Join us each week as our hosts, Andy Diaz and Gabe Martinez, relive the trauma of their youth... through movies!
Corey Ryan Forrester .. @CoreyRForrester
211K Followers 6K Following One of the 25 Greatest Rant Comics OF ALL TIME according to Lewis Black and Cracked. AGENT: [email protected]. https://t.co/TJqk1uTLI2
President Biden @POTUS
34.8M Followers 5 Following 46th President of the United States, husband to @FLOTUS, proud dad & pop. Tweets may be archived: https://t.co/HDhBZBkKpU Text me: (302) 404-0880
Blair Braverman @BlairBraverman
126K Followers 2K Following Dogsledder. Adventurer. Author, most recently, of novel SMALL GAME and nonfiction DOGS ON THE TRAIL. Instagram: @blair_braverman
delicate plant-based .. @cattooedvegan
331 Followers 712 Following she/her 😻💜😻 🌱Ⓥ🌱 🏕🏔🏳️🌈🏁 🌃🦍 #goavsgo 💍 @tallkid5280’s fiancée
Jurassic Park Updates @JurassicPark2go
402K Followers 11 Following @pjayevans @NotJosephGarcia @rajat_suresh @Colinoscopy @totallymorgan @julieabridged @astonoha @quakerraina @carmchristopher @jayweingarten @dlicj @sarahsquirm
California Governor @CAgovernor
305K Followers 290 Following Office of the 40th Governor of California, Gavin Newsom. Building a Golden State for all.
Governor Newsom Press.. @GovPressOffice
50K Followers 1K Following 🗞️📸 Official twitter handle for the press office of @CAGovernor Gavin Newsom #CaliforniaForAll
T. Greg Doucette @greg_doucette
112K Followers 969 Following Ex-computers guy, then decade as a First Amendment trial attorney in NC+TX, now #InHouse for BigTech. Husband & dog+cats dad. Proud alum of @NCCU and @NCState.
The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster
409K Followers 0 Following Located between 3rd and Main in the Oak Lawn Shopping Center! Not part of Blockbuster Corporate. We're all on our own. Commentary.
The Sparrow Project @sparrowmedia
52K Followers 5K Following We're a grassroots public interest newswire amplifying stories from struggles for social, racial, and environmental justice. Tweets by Andy Stepanian.
Greta Thunberg @GretaThunberg
5.6M Followers 3K Following Autistic climate justice activist Born at 375 ppm
Dustin Kensrue @dustinkensrue
36K Followers 699 Following Sing/Guitar for @Thrice, and do song singing and playing on my own. New album Desert Dreaming out now https://t.co/P1J98ecWcl
thisguybri @vancityguybri
1K Followers 5K Following A wise poet once said...life's a garden,dig it. Cooler than a polar bears toenails 🎶
Jordan Palmer @jordanbess
126 Followers 230 Following forever searching for the perfect pair of trouser jeans.
Danielle @as_per_danielle
6K Followers 4K Following chaotic good. clever. colourful. corgis. @burnout_candles. Gastronaut. Naps, sloths. HBO. US politics. opinions my own.
Brian Krassenstein @krassenstein
827K Followers 493K Following AI & Technology, Political commentary, https://t.co/QLFtPL7p3g cofounder @KrassenCast - Follow My Brother: @EdKrassen.
Wendy’s @Wendys
3.8M Followers 446 Following We like our tweets the way we like our fries: hot, crispy, and better than anyone expects from a fast food restaurant.
Pete Buttigieg @PeteButtigieg
3.7M Followers 3K Following Personal account. For official updates, follow @SecretaryPete. Husband, father, veteran, writer, South Bend’s former Mayor Pete. (he/him)
Netflix Is A Joke @NetflixIsAJoke
311K Followers 758 Following #NetflixIsAJokeFest returns May 1-12!
Hannah Gadsby @Hannahgadsby
239K Followers 1K Following I am the sleepy time tea bear 🐻 #actuallyautistic On tour now: https://t.co/F1Gt0CwsXo. Tour updates by HGHQ.
Call me Nala, the eat.. @marcodas146
1K Followers 634 Following Trying to amuse myself. I got nothing.
🖤 Just Heather �.. @weedswildflowrs
10K Followers 3K Following Not just a Mom. Still figuring out the rest. #artist #scoliosis #spinalfusionsurgery #Neurodivergent af #Geek #LGBTQ+ #tattoos
Ken Klippenstein @kenklippenstein
509K Followers 3K Following reporter @ The Intercept. Send tips via Signal: 202-510-1268. Join my newsletter: https://t.co/wAoen3W2Zy
Spencer Bounds @Spencer4Texas
5K Followers 995 Following Chief of Staff, @texasyds. Former: All the things.
Timothy Gomez @timfinitely
150 Followers 909 Following Chicano Educator + Writer 👨🏽🏫 ✊🏽 | Lowrider Oldies Enthusiast 🎤 | Hopelessly devoted to the Los Angeles Dodgers and Angel City FC 💙🪽 | he/him
megan BRAUNY FOREVER .. @thatgirlondeck
23K Followers 2K Following once was mistaken for Ryan Braun’s sister. • social + PR for athletes & brands • sidekick to the mini fox • #JewsWhoRake fan • IG: thatgirlmegan
Reductress @Reductress
298K Followers 657 Following The one and only fake women's news magazine. Shop, learn and listen to everything Reductress: https://t.co/rZ2ivP7vKO
Allison P Davis @AllisonPDavis
37K Followers 3K Following i do stuff for @thecut and @nymag. writing for TV, too. tell me about your sex life.
Sean Doolittle @whatwouldDOOdo
136K Followers 2K Following I’m back on the @Nationals now | @EireannDolan’s Husband | Fiadh and Rooney’s Dad | UVA Wahoo | he/him | For inquiries: [email protected]
Plan It Change 10 @Planitchange10
6K Followers 27 Following Group organizing to stop climate change. Facebook: https://t.co/tTaGNDEtUH Instagram: @planitchange10
Ginger Snapped ❤ @katy_fit
34K Followers 15K Following Martha Stewart & Erin Andrews Trapped in Anna Nicole's Body. Firmly Believe I Peaked in Life receiving the Presidential Physical Fitness Award in 4th grade.
Owl! at the Library �.. @SketchesbyBoze
228K Followers 2K Following quality tweets for the old soul • fairy-tales, beauty, wholesome whimsy • @wren_and_paper & Dickens lover • • https://t.co/mKWlgWgxuj
movie_goofs @movie_goofs
33K Followers 2 Following Parody. by @nothings, but don't follow that just because you like this, that one is totally different
David @DefinitiveDavid
886 Followers 824 Following Dad, Techie, Midlife Crisis Expert, #LFGM #BlackLivesMatter
The Angel 🖤 @Angel_150913
12K Followers 5K Following ᛚ᛫ᚹ᛫ᛖ 🔆🚜🍻 ——————————— Farmer’s Daughter. Girl Mama. Viqueen. Advocate for others with different abilities.
Racism Watchdog @RacismDog
588K Followers 271 Following We trained our dog to sniff out racism and bark when he finds it. Now that's a good boy. His two dads: @Racismdogowners
Victoria/V.E. Schwab @veschwab
143K Followers 543 Following #1 International bestselling author of more than 20 books. This account is managed by my team. Find me on Instagram at @veschwab.
poorly drawn cats @poorlycatdraw
457K Followers 180 Following my name is heloísa, i’m from brasil, and i like to draw cats - this is the only account i own! the one and only
Betty Big Bollocks @skankymunter
23K Followers 7K Following The thing about my business is that it’s not yours. https://t.co/reoF8MgQ9O
Born with a smirk @trena_xo
518 Followers 1K Following
In the U.S. we’re so free that merely protesting for the end to a genocide will get you assaulted by police, kicked out of your university, and arrested
How old does someone have to be before you can officially call them a fucking asshole? Please say 6
Sometimes you just need to start walking into the ocean until it swallows you whole it's called girl time
A good law of history is that if you ever find yourself opposing a student movement while siding with the ruling class, you are wrong. Every single time. In every era. No matter the issue.
Seeing way too much “college kids are out of control” and not enough “they’ve uncovered multiple civilian mass graves in Palestine”
y’all need to start bringing the “if he wanted to he would” sentiment to uncle sam. bc, y’all, if the gvmt can move this fast to ban tiktok, then they just don’t want us to have access to healthcare, education, child care, etc.
That clinches it. I've figured out what ages women. It's MEN.
How beautiful does Tracy Chapman look 😍 wow #TheGrammys
The Tortured Poets Department is just what the 4 kids who would have lunch with your high school English teacher in her room called themselves
taylor saying “he can be my jailer” in 2018, then saying “me locking myself away in my house for years — I’ll never get that time back” in the TIME issue a few months back after the breakup, and now releasing a song called “fresh out the slammer.” it’s never been more joever
[tracy chapman voice] you gotta fat ass
Thank you for calling customer service. Please listen carefully to the following 27 options, none of which will be even remotely related to the reason for your call.
doing taxes this year feels extra shitty. like ooh yay time to donate my money to the war crimes factory
Have you had cheese? And have you met Americans?
I swear Americans like cheese more than they like each other.
Not having to speak
What's the most underrated advantage of living alone?
jay z was right. it is outrageous that joe alwyn has a grammy for album of the year and beyonce doesn’t.
the great unfollowing of joe alwyn happened after taylor’s dinner with her friends on april 19th 2023. she’s not hiding a thing
just breathed a sigh of relief knowing taylor is currently in a relationship where he is probably in a group chat called “the boyz” and no longer with the guy who was in “the tortured man club” group chat
Stop shaming women for how they look. Some women are transparent and disappear when you touch them. Some women have a mysterious glamour that conceals their seven heads. Some women turn into serpents at midnight. All bodies are beautiful ❤️
so close! it’s actually being kidnapped and human trafficked
Every women's biggest nightmare is late marriage
My bf is hunting (on a work call) while I’m gathering (saving Instagram reels to show him when it’s over)
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