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K @theactualfuc

By day, I am nobody. But when the sun goes down, and evil lurks on every corner... when the world needs a hero... that's when I become... tired. And go to bed. Joined July 2013
  • Tweets
    55K
  • Followers
    4K
  • Following
    3K
  • Likes
    74K
K retweeted
ItsjustDarla803 Profile Picture

Sugarplums and Cyanide @ItsjustDarla803

2 months ago

Just once I'd love things to spiral into control

K retweeted
mxmclain Profile Picture

Midge @mxmclain

2 months ago

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

K retweeted
AbleLikes Profile Picture

🪷Li𝕏es @AbleLikes

2 months ago

A heart shaped box of Xanax.

K retweeted
ShaeAaron Profile Picture

Shae Aaron @ShaeAaron

2 months ago

I dropped my date off at Home Depot. He’ll be happier there.

K retweeted
ShaeAaron Profile Picture

Shae Aaron @ShaeAaron

2 months ago

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries.

K retweeted
traciebreaux Profile Picture

Tracie Breaux @traciebreaux

2 months ago

My husband made me mad so I bought a few things from IKEA so he can assemble them until the day he dies.

K retweeted
oomfabelle Profile Picture

annabelle :3 @oomfabelle

2 months ago

My mom had a seizure yesterday and just asked me “do you think i burned calories from all the shaking” HELLO

K retweeted
ItsSamG Profile Picture

Sam G @ItsSamG

2 months ago

Get yourself a girl that prefers Pancake Tuesday to Valentine’s Day

K retweeted
samerealwoman Profile Picture

AnnaAnkaAnia @samerealwoman

2 months ago

When you feel unloved on Valentine's Day just remember, on other days nobody loves you, too.

K retweeted
AbbyHiggs Profile Picture

Stone Cold Jane Austen @AbbyHiggs

2 months ago

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

K retweeted
Camel_Crushin Profile Picture

Benny Boy @Camel_Crushin

2 months ago

A heart shaped pizza is actually less pizza…don’t fall for that shit.

K retweeted
sixfootcandy Profile Picture

sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy

2 months ago

Whenever my husband surprises me with a kind gesture, I can't help but wonder what he's hiding or trying to make up for.

K retweeted
mommajessiec Profile Picture

Jessie @mommajessiec

2 months ago

On average it takes a mom 30 minutes of saying “we’re leaving now” to get her family to leave.

K retweeted
KatieDeal99 Profile Picture

Katie D @KatieDeal99

2 months ago

Being an adult and able to do whatever I want is too much responsibility for me

K retweeted
smiles_and_nods Profile Picture

Andi @smiles_and_nods

3 months ago

Stealing office supplies was so much more fun when I didn’t work from home.

K retweeted
Tbone7219 Profile Picture

Tony P. @Tbone7219

4 months ago

Wife is going out tonight .... anyone want to come over and sit on the other end of the couch and talk during a movie.

K retweeted
Heatinblack Profile Picture

Heatherhere 👽 @Heatinblack

4 months ago

I'd like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

K retweeted
KatieDeal99 Profile Picture

Katie D @KatieDeal99

7 months ago

Daughter: I want that really delicious pasta for dinner! Me, flattered: you mean what I made last week? Daughter: ewww no, I meant from Olive Garden

K retweeted
difficultpatty Profile Picture

your other mom @difficultpatty

7 months ago

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

K retweeted
bestestname Profile Picture

Matty @bestestname

7 months ago

Can't. Typing a password into a tv.

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